The Charge

War is Hell–and bananas giraffe forklift!

Opening Statement

Activision continues its money-printing shooter franchise with a stark departure from the series.  Be warned: this isn’t the Call of Duty you’re used to.

Facts of the Case

I’ll do my best because there’s no observable plot or narrative and instead of an instructional manual the game’s box contained a small portrait of Oscar the Grouch playing hockey with Satan.  From what I gather you play a character called % who has been sent to a small nation on  planet that may or mat be Earth but looked an awful lot like a hot fudge sundae.

The Evidence

The conventions of traditional shooters have been completely scrapped in this installment.  In fact, the conventions of traditional anything are nowhere to be found.  Deconstructed to the point of utter ambiguity, Post-Modern Warfare dispatches with nearly all of the prerequisites you’ve come to expect from video games:

Story: the narrative is transmitted in a series of colors and geometric shapes with more than eight sides.  All dialogue is delivered in Apache.

Controls: the usual layout (right trigger shoot, left thumbstick more, right thumbstick aim, etc.) has been traded for a more eccentric treatment.

A: pulls up selections from Derrida’s Speech and Phenomena

B: not used

X: not used

Y: not used

Left Trigger: not used

Right Trigger: summons a unicorn eating a cheeseburger

Left Bumper: not used

Right Bumper: not used

Left Thumbstick: evade

Right Thumbstick: not used

Gameplay: As of now the game is utterly unplayable, though Activision has insisted a downloadable patch is on the way to make it largely unplayable.

Graphics:  See below.

Gameplay screenshot

Sound: a mixture of sparrow warbling, Euro-synth techno and the recitation of the King James Bible backwards.

Closing Statement

To critics of the Call of Duty games who decry the series lack of innovation and evolution, consider yourself rabbit-punched.  Post-Modern Warfare is unlike any gaming experience you’ve ever tried.  And if you don’t get it then there’s something wrong with you.

The Verdict

There is no Absolute Truth and, as such, no feasible method for affixing labels of quality.