Tonight I dine on turtle soup.
The Charge:
Kla-chink! LET’S KICK SHELL!!
Opening Statement:
Let’s begin today’s review with a moment of self-reflection. If you’ve been a gamer since the 1980s, you’re probably just as guilty as me, and innumerable legions of others; of pumping a near college tuition’s worth of quarters into the multitudinous myriad of beat’em ups that once dominated the video arcades of times gone by. Before the rise of 2D fighters and First Person Shooters in the mid to late 90s, quarter munching classics like Final Fight, Double Dragon and Konami’s fondly remembered Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were a thrilling way to spend an afternoon (and a week’s paycheck from your paper route, Telegram carriers represent yo!). Since the past couple of years have seen several successful HD updates of beloved old franchised, many of us must be simply euphoric at the idea of Ubisoft’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time Re-Shelled for Xbox Live Arcade (coming soon for PSN). But will nostalgia’s safety net catch this ninja if it stumbles from a rooftop, or do these turtles truly belong in the sewer?
But we've got the biggest balls of them all!
Facts of the Case:
Sempiternal douche bag Shredder, and his boss/sidekick/life-partner Krang (the brain alien that pilots a robot which looks suspiciously like Mr. Weatherbee from the Archie Comics) have decided that it’s once again time to make life for average New Yorkers a little more miserable. Striking forth from their secret Technodrome fortress, the pair steal off with the freakin’ Statue of Liberty, and it’s up to our dauntless heroes in their half shells to put two-toed boot to a whole lot of robotic ninja ass and once again save the day. This valorous quest will take the turtles across eight stages and six time periods. Cowabunga indeed.
I'll see you in detention Andrews.
The Evidence:
Thirty minutes after downloading TMNT: TIT Re-Shelled (that’s the last time I use the full acronym), I started to realize that without the atmosphere of an old video arcade, three friends of strangers fighting alongside you, all of us struggling to make it to just one more level before our mothers stormed in from the Fabric shop down the road to drag us back to the car like that villainous dungeon hand from Legend of Zelda; these old beat’em ups are actually pretty damn boring by today’s standards. Despite the superficial differences between the four turtles, picking any of the quartet and mashing the attack button will pretty much get even the rooty-pootiest creampuff non-gamer through this title. The turtles have no shortage of cool attacks, including the neat ability to toss enemies directly into the screen. The problem is that these attacks occur completely at random and are all triggered by the same button. So all those combos Dave Johnson waxes poetically about in Streets of Rage 2, none of that fun to be found here. Another thirty minutes after making this astute observation, I had finished the game. 800 Microsoft points well spent? I’ll leave that up to you.
I forgot to mention in the paragraph above, that with the 3D redesign, all the characters can now attack on the Y axis as well as the X, but it feels very poorly implemented. Each level is still a 5-6 minute slog through a never-ending horde of faceless Foot Clan Ninja, with the occasional Rock Soldier thrown in. This all of course culminates in a boss battle that requires no strategy. It’s a war of attrition with every boss, and gamer blood will be spilled. Many a life will be lost, so we’d all better hope we have enough to clear the stage and head to the next one. Seriously, I almost wanted to put my head through the screen fighting Krang’s spaceship in the last level. The game is simplicity itself, easy to the point of being dull. But the bosses are all cheap little sponges that soak up attacks, tossing out unavoidable smacks that can sap up to a quarter of a player’s health in a single hit. It all feels completely random and utterly sloppy.
Button Y, followed by button Y, garnished with a side of button Y. Wheeeee!!
Rebuttal Witness:
Here we go, nail in the coffin time. There are two glaring issues I had with TMNT: Re-Shelled that sapped my final little clip of patience and made me want to wipe the game from my 360’s hard drive. I can deal with the fact that the game is a port of an early 90s beat’em up, and repetition is par for the course with these games, but this pair of complaints I’m afraid swab clean any recommendation I could have given for TMNT: Re-Shelled. First up, for a supposed HD remake. The graphics and sound are a murky disaster. Everything has this low-detailed appearance, like that old cartoon ReBoot, but without the bright colour. Seriously, it looks like a really fugly PSP game thrown onto a normal sized television.
It looks like your mom dude!!
The music takes what was awesome in the arcades, and mixes it into a boring techno mix that sounds like an action movie scored by Eric Serra, like you have a trash can on your head and someone is trying to keep the beat with a 10 lb maul…underwater. After playing the recent remakes of both R-Type and Monkey Island, where the rebooted appearance can be switched off for the original appearance at the push of a button, this is somewhat unforgivable. The levels haven’t changed at all, nor have the majority of game play mechanics, so I can’t see why this wasn’t included. Secondly, all those complaints I described in the paragraphs above. Every one of those problems had been rectified in Konami’s excellent Super Nintendo port of Turtles in Time back in 1992. Extra levels, more varied enemies and more canonical Turtles villains for bosses had been added (including two more epic encounters with Shredder). The different attacks had all been corrected to occur depending on the player’s distance from the enemy, adding a layer of much needed depth to the combat. And each of the turtles had their own singular special attacks and more than noticeable variance in their speed and attack strength, making each player’s choice feel and play differently. Y’know, that sounds like the type of improved game experience I would’ve loved to have played here…oops.
Closing Statement:
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time Re-Shelled is an unfortunate case where nostalgia has failed to cushion the blow of releasing a near 20 year old beast into a new frontier. What it does, it tries to accomplish with zeal, but the days when these sorts of games where impressive, or even fun have long since passed. The game lacks the balanced game play of its own earlier port, and lacks the atmosphere needed to enjoy what was designed to vacuum quarters out of kid’s wallets. If you think you can still enjoy an afternoon with the Turtles, grab a slice of pizza and catch a wave…but caveat emptor, this game may wear out its welcome faster than fanny packs and slap bracelets.
I banish this game into a time portal from which it will never return!
The Verdict:
It’s been a sad panda summer for me and my good friend Nostalgia. First Transformers 2 and GI Joe both suck, then Tobey Maguire loses interest in making a movie out of Robotech, after tying up the rights for a few years, and now this game. Like I said…sad panda. If anyone needs me, I’ll be in my room, sulking with a Hi-C juicebox and an old VHS tape of Spiral Zone and Saber Rider.
Platform: Xbox Live Arcade, PlayStation Network
Developer: Ubisoft Singapore
Publisher: Ubisoft
Release Date: August 5th, 2009 (XBLA)
Rated: E10+ for Everyone 10 and Up.