“I wanted to drop in and deliver some truly exciting news – on behalf of everyone here at Zipper Interactive, I’m pleased to announce that SOCOM 4 is indeed in development and is slated for release exclusively on PlayStation 3 this fall…

Oh, and before we let you go, we wanted to send a message to our SOCOM and MAG fans all over the world. First, if you play MAG and wonder what this means for the game’s future, wonder no more – we’re still fully committed to supporting MAG for a long, long time and the addition of another game in our lineup doesn’t change that. Second, it’s been great to hear from SOCOM fanatics located in every corner of the globe as we led into today’s announcement. We’re extremely excited to be attached to this beloved franchise again and knowing that so many people wanted us to return to something that already meant so much to us has been both inspiring and touching – so thank you to all of you who wanted it to happen! We look forward to living up to your expectations.”

As a longtime fan of Zipper Interactive’s work on the series (they created the franchise and were responsible for its first two sequels on the PS2), and someone who song an ungodly amount of online time into SOCOM 2, this is some mighty exciting news.

Word is they are very intent on delivering a top drawer single player campaign, and allusions have already been made to the storytelling in Uncharted as being a prime example of the approach being taken. This excites me immensely. I’m sure more details will be forthcoming. The first trailer airs exclusively on tonights episode of Gametrailers TV, but i’m sure it’ll be all over the web by tomorrow.

The Charge:

The Horseman Cometh.

Opening Statement:
At the risk of sounding terribly cliché, I’ve been patiently awaiting Darksiders since it was announced to little fanfare and the earliest concept art found its way onto my internets.  That patience vanished into the ether once it was announced that major video game publisher THQ had picked up Darksiders, and pumped enough cash into wee little developer Vigil Games to allow them to expand beyond a four man operation into a full fledged development team.  Whenever the topic came op on Pixel Verdict asking us what new franchises or games am was I most looking forward to in 2010, my answer was always the same; Darksiders.  It’s been a long few years, and I’ve converted a small cadre of gamers along the way from indifferent onlookers, to genuine followers of its development.  Now finally, the wait is over, and Darksiders has ridden onto the battlefield.  Is this a well deserved victory for the dreamers at Vigil Games?  Or is this an apocalypse for gamers that has long been foretold?

Hey, Mark! You love Gwar! Why don't you join the band?

Facts of the Case:
The seals have been broken; the time has come for the end war between the three kingdoms of man, heaven and hell.  The armies of the light and the legions of the dark one have begun their assault.  But, something is wrong.  The time is not right.  Mankind has not evolved to the point of readiness yet.  The end of days has come too early.  Players step into the pimp armour of War, the first horseman of the apocalypse.  Charged with the extermination of life on earth and creating a schism in the balance of all things, War is stripped of his powers and sentenced to death.  He is sent on a suicide mission back to the kingdom of earth, now a ravaged and blasted wasteland to find those truly responsible for this irredeemable crime.  Looks like more than a few angels and demons bought themselves a one way ticket to the hurt locker.

Stop! Stop! He's already dead!!

The Evidence:
Originality is a rare commodity when it comes to video games.  And if you’ve approached Darksiders expecting something new and fresh, step away from this review and go back to downloading Popcap games on Xbox Live.  Instead, expect to play a title that is descendant of great games already come.  This is not at all a disavowal of how blisteringly awesome Darksiders is; rather a rallying cry.  In the words of our very own Steve T. Power (Great Canadian); fill a pint glass halfway to the top with The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, then fill a shot glass three quarters to the top with God of War.  The remainder of the shot glass is to be filled with the pants soilingly amazing artwork of Joe Madureira; Vigil’s lead artist and coincidently a former comic book penciller with a run on Uncanny X-Men during the 90s that was both critically acclaimed and commercially successful.  Set the shot glass afire and drop the blazing mixture into the pint glass.  Consume immediately.  BOOM!  There’s the flavour!  Darksiders is nothing gamers haven’t played before, but it’s certainly something we haven’t seen nearly enough of.  An adventure title with satisfying combat and creative visuals that stand tall above the sea of washed out browns and grays that plague the game industry like a rec room from the late 70s.

Loving would be easy if your colours were like my dreams.

For a game that takes place in a post apocalyptic tundra of bones and collapsed buildings, Darksiders has incredibly colourful presentation.  The characters all look like picture perfect 3D renders of what would occur if Pixar ever attempted a movie based on World of Warcraft.  The game’s visuals are uniquely bright, with the ruins of mankind including vibrant and colourful surroundings that still manage to not look like they’re trying to ape the gameboy’s colour palette (sorry Call of Duty fans).

Gameplay-wise, Darksiders is a refreshing breath of old-school air.  Linear treks through throngs of demon foes give way to expansive dungeons that pay such homage to the post N64 Zelda games that I’m sure Nintendo are drafting up a lawsuit as you read this article.  Dungeons feel like a massive puzzle, and each room that is solved provides a new piece, whether it is a map or a key that will lead further into its depths.  Fallen foes provide War a steady currency of souls to barter with the demon merchant Vulgrim for new weapons, stupefying combo attacks, and special items that serve a purpose for every situation Darksiders can throw at a gamer.  Every dungeon conceals a key item that will be used to solve puzzles, combat hostiles, and 100% of the time, overcome that dungeon’s megalithic end level boss.  It’s just as the comparisons have decreed, Zelda meets God of War, and all the better for it.  Though thankfully Vigil saw fit to put aside quicktime events in favour of one button fatalities on sufficiently weakened enemies, allowing us gamers to savour the brutal animations whenever War completely annihilates somebody.  And they are satisfying (War < Sub-Zero).

Mark, man, you play a mean guitar! It's really a shame that you must die!

Darksiders is the best comic book to come out of the mid 90s Image gold rush, only instead of a comic, we get it as a game filled with colourful characters, and a story of a journey across a decimated empire.  Yes it’s cheesy (for god’s sake the name of his sword is Chaoseater, and feeds on exactly that), and so is the voice acting by veterans like Mark Hamill, Liam O’Brian, and the deliciously menacing Vernon Wells (the only voice actor to have gone toe to toe with both Mel Gibson AND Arnold Schwarzenegger in big time action movies), buts it’s harmlessly trite.  Fans of stuff like Dungeons and Dragons or Krull will devour Darksiders, lick the plate and hungrily reheat the game for another playthrough.

The culmination of two hours of dungeoneering.

Rebuttal Witness:
I only have two complaints with Darksiders, and they’re such minor little gripes that it shouldn’t even affect its score.  No I’m not talking about the occasional screen tearing that larger review sits love to harp about (grow up you sissies).  The difficulty level is in flux.  The Easy and Normal modes are far too forgiving, letting gamers basically get through the game with their eyes closed and their hands held.  The aptly named Apocalyptic difficulty on the other hand is a soul crushing dive that nearly approaches the depths of fare like Ghost N’Goblins or Demon’s Souls.  If it featured a little more memorization, and less exculpating save points, Darksiders’ third difficulty level would be the stuff of legend.  The game’s own developers have asked gamers to play on this challenging mode to appreciate the nuances of the combat.  What they fail to mention is that on Apocalyptic, even the lowliest of foes can sap a good chunk of War’s life bar with a single hit.  It’s no real problem, and I relish playing on these difficulty settings anyway (stems from years of NES games), but some gamers may find the difficulty curve a little on the steep side.  As well, I’ve heard gamers put off by Darksiders’ lack of any multiplayer options.  To these gripes I pose a question.  Which would you prefer more?  A single player game that tacks on an underdeveloped, ill-advised multiplayer mode; or a fabulously developed single player game that needs no multiplayer?

Where Stridex fails, the Chaoseater shall not.

Closing Statement:
Darksiders is unadulterated radical.  It’s perfect for you…you should buy it.  Had it been released a couple of week’s earlier it would have made it onto my top five games of 2009; easily.  If this quality level becomes a regular occurrence for Vigil Games, the once tiny developer has a very bright future ahead of them.  Probably as bright as their debut title’s colour palette.

The Verdict:

Platform: PlayStation 3, Xbox 360 (PS3 version reviewed)
Developer: Vigil Games
Publisher: THQ
Release Date: January 5th, 2010
Rated: M (17+) for Mature.

Note:  The following review is based on an imported copy of the Japanese release.  Bayonetta is scheduled for release in North America on January 5th, 2010.

Opening Statement:
I’ll admit, for the last year or so, I haven’t been the most eager to play Sega’s upcoming Bayonetta, a prophesized action epic from Platinum Games (the crazed geniuses behind last year’s Mad World for the Wii) and director Hideki Kamiya (the future legend behind Resident Evil 2, Devil May Cry, Viewtiful Joe and Okami; pay your respects at the altar).  As I just typed the evidence of its pedigree, I realize that my bull headed and blind prejudice has denied me any sense of excitement for what has turned out to be a concentrated burst of gaming dynamite.  With Bayonetta, Kamiya and Platinum Games have served up a witch’s brew of devilish fun.

Krueger seems like Romper Room and Elm Street ain't so bad.

Facts of the Case:
In the beautiful (and fictional) European villa of Vigrid, a biblical cold war has been brewing between the last few remaining Umbra Witches, the followers of the dark; and the tyrannical Lumen Sages, the keeper’s of heaven’s light.  But all is not as it seems in this skirmish between what we believe to be good and evil; and as this metaphysical secret war reaches critical mass, Bayonetta; a forgotten daughter of the long since destroyed Umbra witch clan is caught in the middle.  She looks like the love child of Janis Joplin and a Barbie Doll, accessorizes with high calibre artillery, and possesses enough kung-fu badness to fill a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie.  Plus she’s got thirst for war and an insatiable lust to kill.  Somehow I get the feeling Bayonetta’s going to come out of this one okay.  Though with her antagonists primarily being the seraphic servants of the holy and the divine, I can’t see her growing too popular with the Religious Right.

Every sermon comes with a free bowl of soup!

The Evidence:

During a session of Bayonetta, it is not uncommon to be strolling through a gorgeous hillside garden, having just dispatched a platoon of angelic interlopers, only to have a gargantuan creature emerge from the skies to uproot a building and throw it at you.  The name of the game in Bayonetta is insanity.  Certified, frothy-mouthed craziness that cannot be bargained with, cannot be reasoned with, and will not rest until it has tied gamers across the world’s thumbs in knots.

This is considered run-of-the-mill for Bayonetta.

Kamiya has taken the concepts he developed back in 2001 for Devil May Cry, stripped away the parts that didn’t work, and chipped away at the barnacles that the series had built up in the three sequels that followed.  What remains is a sleeker beast, a diesel-fueled, white-knuckle 200 mph shot of video game awesomeness.  It’s a game where a simple twirl of an analog stick and an attack button sends our heroine into a spinning hand stand, bullets blazing in all directions; where just about every successful combo ends with an enemy being crushed underneath a summoned stiletto heel that is made up from the very fibres of the main character’s costume.  Yes, she loses her clothes the bigger her attacks get.  So nine year old Timmy should probably not get this one for his birthday.

Remember this episode of Sabrina the Teenage Witch?

Make no mistake; Bayonetta is not a methodical title in the least, rather a gluttonous action smorgasbord.  The bulk of the game’s combat is spent intertwining a variety of attacks into boundless combo strings.  Bayonetta has four open weapon slots, two for her hands, and one strapped to each heel.  With a separate move list for each weapon type and the ability to link into impressively long striking combinations; the potential attack list is truly labyrinthine.  I guess that’s why the loading screens afford gamers a few seconds to practice Bayonetta’s bottomless barrel of tricks (which can be lengthened with a simple press of the select button while the level loads).

For some reason, Double Dragon II seems a little boring after this.

While combat makes up the lion’s share of Bayonetta, there are short spurts of level navigation to be found in between the game’s innumerable micro-battles with smaller enemies, and title bouts with the indescribably large bosses.  The long slogs through cavernous empty corridors that plagues games of this nature during the PS2 and original Xbox games have been peeled away.  So many great action games that aged like an open bucket of salt beef simply because their length was padded with marathon runs through sparsely populated levels.  While gamers looking for a little more side dish to go along with the prime-rib fighting will probably be disappointed that these segments pretty much consist entirely of carrying keys from one location to another (keys that can used as weapons nonetheless), or using Bayonetta’s Witch Time abilities to complete reaction-based puzzles.   Personally I’m grateful, because gamers who haven’t mastered witch time by the beginning of the game’s third stage will find themselves staring at the game over screen ad nauseum.  The concept itself is pure simplicity.  Dodge at the last possible second before getting waffled by an attack and time slows to a crawl, allowing Bayonetta to navigate an impassable obstacle at Mach speed, or score a few seconds worth of powerful counterattack time in between the infinite enemy onslaught.  What most action games play up as a gimmick, or a mere window dressing, Bayonetta uses masterfully as its main combat mechanic.  This is the John Belushi of beat’em ups.  Larger than life.  And that’s not even getting into the joygasm inducing Torture Attacks.  Naughty little insta-kills that are powered by successfully hitting an uninterrupted string of attacks without taking a single hit.  Fill the bar, press both kick and punch at the same time and witness the devastation.  You can even try to add bonus points with a little button mashing (hip hip hooray for crazy arcade action!).

You were right Dave, she is hanging him.

Items and weapons can be purchased in between levels at Bayonetta’s favourite demon-owned speakeasy, purchased of course with the shimmering halos that have been purloined from the corpses of the angels she left in her wake.  More halos can be scored in the between-level arcade shooting gallery (awesome!!)  With a selection including hand cannons, shot guns, a cursed katana, and a wicked whip with a demonic cobra head at the tip, and the cavalcade of weapons dropped by vanquished foes; Bayonetta is pretty much a wholesale retail warehouse club of destruction.  This game plays like the CostCo of kicking ass.  The fighting is structured in such a way that the battles never seem to go on too long, and we never get that feeling of programmed boredom, where gamers can pretty much predict which wave of enemies will attack next before they clear the room and get a break.  Besides, name me one other game that lets you literally spank prone foes?  Is it a game where the foes hide their twisted, inhuman forms under layers of Renaissance inspired sculpting and cherubic faces?  Ironically, while it’s visually cool to peel of these layers of Paladinesque armour to see the Clive barker inspired grossness underneath, that very graphical effect ties into Bayonetta’s ironically compelling storyline.  I don’t want to spoil any details, but suffice to say there is much more going on in the background than the Witch-slapping the entire world trailers have shown off.

Remember when we were kids, and a katana instantly made a character cooler?

I’ve been told that the PS3 build of Bayonetta, ported over by an internal Sega development team is of an inferior make to the 360 version, developed by Platinum Games.  I’m unable to make any sort of judgment, as I am unable to compare the two until the North American release.  But judging by the amount of fun I’m having with the PS3 version, unless Buddha materializes out of the Xbox 360 when it is switched on, declaring that he has arrived to miraculously free us all from the cycle of rebirth, I can’t see the games being that much different from one another.  It’s a great title on either console.  The presentation values are top-notch, with sublimely detailed character models that animate beautifully (check out Bayonetta’s hip swing when she walks slowly, or her facial animation when she winks or blows a kiss at the end of a large combo string) and appropriately pretty textures.  Watching the ethereal shimmer of her hair when a Wicked Weave attack is unleashed is almost hypnotic.  Effects such as explosions of flame or bolts of lightning make the screen crackle with life, and the game’s soundtrack is an explosive and eclectic symphony of bone crunches, high calibre gunfire, and some bizarre coupling of trippy jazz and rockin’ techno.  I don’t know what to call the feeling I got the first time I wiped out an army of monstrous angels to the oddly enunciated karaoke version of “Fly Me to the Moon” which serves as the game’s defacto theme song, but I do know that I liked it.  All in all the game’s presentation is a perfect wrapping around its sumptuous gameplay.

"Give a guy a gun, he thinks he's Superman. Give him two and he thinks he's God"

Rebuttal Witness:
There’s nothing I can really say about Bayonetta that I out and out disliked.  The game is HARD. It’s Geneva Convention violatingly difficult, and that may turn some gamers off.  But those who cut their teeth on, or were honed to a fine edge by the Devil May Cry series should be able to tackle its difficulty with little fuss.  Besides, would you expect a two headed angel-dragon that’s the size of sky scraper to be a pushover of a boss fight?  Man up dawg.

Closing Statement:
Bayonetta is one of the finest action outings I’ve played this generation.  An unstoppable bullet binge that undoubtedly gives all of us brawler addicts our fix.  If this is the sign of things to come in 2010, it’s gonna be one hell of a happy new year.  Put aside some holiday money and save it for January 5th.  You’ve all got a date with witch of a game.

The Verdict:

I wonder if there’s an executive at Sega who was so hung up on the idea of arming a witch with a machine gun that even after the unmitigated failure of “Bullet Witch”, he gave the go ahead on “Bayonetta”, in between 5 ¾ coke lines?  If so, I salute him.

- J

Platform: PlayStation 3, Xbox 360 (PS3 version reviewed)
Developer: Platinum Games (Xbox 360), Sega (PlayStation 3)
Publisher: Sega
Release Date: January 5th, 2010
Rated: M for Mature

The Charge:
The Truth is Written in Blood

Opening Statement:
When the first Assassin’s Creed hit consoles in the fall of 2007, the highly divisive gameplay caused a split amongst critic and gamer alike. The game was heralded by some for its unique take on storyline, control, and depth, while others saw it as an exercise in repetition. There was certainly no doubting the technical brilliance from either camp, and for me personally, it was my game of the year in a year that also brought us Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune, Mass Effect, Halo 3, Bioshock, and Call of Duty 4, lofty praise indeed. The Sequel is now upon us, with a new era, new central character, and several changes in gameplay. Is it a better game? Will it please those who may have been disappointed or dismissive of the first game? Read on…

Facts of the Case:
400 years have passed since Assassin’s Creed, Altair is long dead, and a new protagonist has picked up cloack and hidden blade. You play as Ezio Auditore Di Firenze, and the rooftops and streets of Renaissance Itlay are your playground this time around. Corrupt Templar knights, now openly forsaken by the Catholic Church, plot to overthrow Roman rule, and the Auditore family falls victim to treachery. It’s up to Ezio to rediscover his family’s legacy as members of the ancient order of Assassins, and tear out the corruption within the organizations of Italy by whatever means at his disposal.

The Evidence:
Assassin’s Creed II picks up literally 30 seconds after the closing moments of the first game. Desmond’s time in the Animus, the machine used by the Templars to view events in the past through the genetic memories contained in a subject’s DNA has led to some startling revelations about the past, and his own abilities, and with fellow Assassin Lucy Stillman at your side, you bust your way out of Abstergo Industries, only to find yourself looking into the Animus 2.0. This will all sound like Chinese to anyone who hasn’t played the original Assassin’s Creed, so I’d almost advise you to either pick up a copy of that gem cheap, play through it before plopping ACII into your disc drive, or otherwise hit up Wikipedia.org right about now.

Back? Good. Hopefully you’ve gone and played through the first game, and you now have a feel for the unique style of play associated with Assassin’s Creed. That would be good, as at its core, Assassin’s Creed II plays very much like the first game. Character controls and abilities haven’t changed a whole lot, save for some logic-based choices that make certain things more natural to the Renaissance setting (blending is much easier now, you simply walk into a crowd). Combat has been made a little more robust, with counters that seem easier to pull off, with a much larger slate of weapons, and more options for fighting (including snagging an opponent’s weapon). Those who played through the majority of the first game will immediately feel right at home. There also hasn’t been much done to change the city dynamics, the free running is still as awesome as ever, and you still climb tall structures to gain vantage points which open up your map and add additional side missions. The city streets are still clogged with people, and they all still react convincingly to your actions. The “free roam” aspect still feels virtually identical to Assassin’s Creed, which is definitely a good thing. Everything blends perfectly, and the technical brilliance is on full display, there are very few games out there that play as well as Assassin’s Creed, and now, Assassin’s Creed II.

Mission structure however, is where everything has changed. The rudimentary side missions in Assassin’s Creed certainly felt a little “tacked on” to enhance the game time. They were often the first thing cited by detractors, and accusations of tired repetitive gameplay were common. While I didn’t agree, Assassin’s Creed II completely does away with the old mission style, you no longer have a fixed pre-requisite number of side-jobs you must complete to further your progress; ACII features over 200 missions, all handed out via icons on your map, typically by a resident who stands patiently waiting for you to drop by. They range from run of the mill point-a to point-b runs, to deliveries, races, and side assassinations. None of them is mandatory, and they exist more as minigames to the main event. Storyline missions are uniquely marked on your maps, and one can simply plow through the main missions without ever having to touch the ancillary stuff. The main missions typically blend several types of mission, but all are storyline driven rather than simple tasks or objective markers, and your main assassination targets are buried within these missions. You don’t have the same freedom of choice in choosing targets that you did in the first game, which I for one missed, but it’s hard to argue that the system in place here is vastly superior. Add to that the Prince of Persia – like Assassin’s tombs, hidden areas in each city that open up separate stages full of platform jumping and sneaking, which are awesome, and the games incredibly robust economy system, which allows you to rebuild your own villa, and there’s more than enough to keep anyone enthralled. What’s best, is it’s all entirely optional.

The storyline benefits greatly from this more rigid, less non-linear design, and the tale that’s woven, one of betrayal and deep conspiracy, is wonderfully written and engaging. There are some great moments of drama, and a crew of supporting characters. While Altair’s story didn’t really come into its own, dramatically speaking, until the final act, Ezio’s tale does its best to enthrall the player right from the get go. You don’t get as much Desmond Miles stuff this time around, but what’s there is awesome, and while the Desmond stuff in the original title felt like more of a distraction, holding me back from some more crusades- era free running in Jerusalem, this time around the opposite occurs, I found myself REALLY wanting to get back to Desmond at several points. I’ll also warn ahead of time, the ending is a kick in the pants, and while it’s definitely satisfying, it certainly leaves you fiendishly wanting for more.

Technically speaking, the first Assassin’s Creed was one of those games that really announced that the “next Generation” was truly here. Cinema quality art design, combined with a capable engine, lavish cities, and a beautiful sense of atmosphere that holds up remarkably well two years on. Assassin’s Creed II is even better. The differences are subtle, but many. Every element that made the first game a winner is on display here in full form. I can’t lavish enough praise on the art team and designers at Ubisoft Montreal, these guys are world class. Assassin’s Creed II is a visual marvel, a real triumph of technical design. The sound doesn’t quite match the graphics (a problem shared by the first game) but the voice acting and music are both top notch.

Rebuttal Witness:
Graphically, there is some draw in, you will notice it, but it won’t make a difference to you. I just had to find something negative to say.

Closing Statement:

Assassin’s Creed II is an improvement on its predecessor in virtually every way. It has all of the first game’s strengths, and none of its weaknesses. It’s gorgeous, deep, intriguing, and most of all, fun to play. 2009 has been another banner year for gaming (I swear I haven’t seen another year with so many 80%-90% range titles), and right now, in my book, Assassin’s Creed II is the cream of the crop. This is the best title I’ve played all year, and well worth your attention, even if you weren’t all that crazy about the first one. If you, like me, gave yourself body and soul to Assassin’s Creed, well, Assassin’s Creed II is definitely going to own you all over again.

The Verdict:

Platform: Microsoft Xbox360, Sony Playstation 3, Games for Windows PC
Developer: Ubisoft Montreal
Publisher: Ubisoft
Release Date: November 17th, 2009
M(17+) for Mature.

Thank you Capcom.  The check is in the mail.

Opening Statement:
Like any gamer worth his salt (or born before the rise of New Kids on the Block, take your pick), I have a bit of a history with Super Mario.  Having cut my gaming teeth on the plumber’s first three adventures, and his 16-bit debut being the first game I ever cracked wide open, dedicating myself to discovering its every secret.  Since those days long-gone-by, things as cherished as a simple Mario 2D platformer are few and far between.  This is precisely why I write this review with my eyes still wet with nostalgic tears.  New Super Mario Bros Wii has arrived for the Nintendo Wii (duh), so grab a beverage and hike up your courage; we’ve got a purloined princess to liberate.

Apparently the Koopa Kids all studies under Professor Wil E. Coyote, PhD

Facts of the Case:
It’s Princess Peach’s (that’s Toadstool to us 80s kids) birthday.  Mario, his wingman Luigi, and a cadre of unimportant Toads (little mushroom people) have gathered for a regal shindig.  Of course, the iniquitous Koopa clan show up and shanghai the damsel (their kidnapping scheme this time out is nothing short of cartoon genius).  Now, the Super Mario Bros are on the case, trekking across more than 80 levels, putting steel-toed boot to Koopa ass.  I doubt gamers would want it any other way.

Purple Drink!!

The Evidence:
How does one put an experience like NSMB Wii into a single sentence?  Distil nearly 25 years of gaming nostalgia into one phrase?  After putting in a weekend’s worth of attention, and spending an entire evening watching others do the same, I think I finally have the words.  New Super Mario Bros Wii is the modern age of gaming had the jump to 3D never occurred.  Everything we ever loved about running and jumping in a left-wise direction, tossing fireballs and kicking turtle shells has been smelted down into an alloy of the strongest construction.  This is the truest Mario sequel in 17 years.  And I say that as a frothy mouthed groupie of Super Mario Galaxy, Nintendo’s 2007 gaming opus.

Dont give Mario a brainer dude...not cool.

But what exactly makes NSMB Wii worthy of such praise, what turns that which we all thought would be a nice nostalgic throwback into a golden idol of gaming?  For one, the effortless and vast imagination that was once the sole possession of Nintendo, something that was at the very heart and soul of the best Mario titles.  That empyrean sensation of playing a game where everything works absolutely flawlessly, a masterwork that any gamer can pick up and play, no matter what their preference.

I'd like to see Crash bandicoot do THIS!

Effectively a time capsule of the Mario franchise, NSMB Wii delivers the sort of visceral gaming thrill that NES and SNES owners knew in the very marrow of their souls that lesser fare like Sonic the Hedgehog was completely incapable of.  While it contains all the fire flowers, invincibility stars, power suits, and Yoshi the green dinosaurs that gamers would hope for, at no point does NSMB Wii ever feel like a Mario’s greatest hits album.  It feels much better than that.  Gamers will traverse worlds of fire and ice, spelunk through caves filled with bottomless pits and crevices of magma, even make the obligatory pit stop at the occasional Ghost House or boss fortress.  Yes it sounds terribly cliché, but remember; we are playing a title in the franchise that invented the cliché.  It’s just taken the rest of the gaming world 24 years to catch up.

A person needs a little madness, or else they never dare cut the rope and be free.

It is obligatory I am told, that I mention the new multiplayer aspect of the Mario universe.  For the first time in a side scrolling Mario adventure, more than one player can pick up a controller and tackle the game’s eight themed worlds.  And while I breathlessly describe the single player mode as pure side scrolling ecstasy, the multiplayer is a beast of a different cloth, a creature of mirth and chaos.  The level design doesn’t change at all, but when up to four gamers are hopping and bouncing across the screen, all dashing towards coins and trying to spring across pits and over obstacles, it becomes an event in the retinal Olympics just to keep up with the action on display.  I took part in a fiasco where over 30 lives were wasted just trying to keep up with one gamer who managed to score Mario’s new Propeller Suit, and was content to spin and soar through the stage at a rapid pace whilst the rest of us were crushed by walls or thrown down inescapable pitfalls left in his careless wake.  To be honest I was a little put off by the level of mayhem on display, but once the Wii-mote was again in my hand, clutched sideways like an old school NES brick, I was captivated.  Name me one other game franchise that would send 4 players, dressed as penguins sliding down huge ramps of ice, trying to build up enough speed so at least one of them clears the chasm ahead so the rest can continue along?  Nintendo has succeeded where most games fail; they’ve turned what has always been a solo occurrence into a 4-player adventure without sacrificing a single inch of game play.   Yes it’s a little more tumultuous, but really, does a bit of harum-scarum hurt every now and again?  This is more of a party game than Mario Party could ever hope to be.

The most fun one can have without committing a misdemeanour.

Rebuttal Witness:
It eventually ends.

Closing Statement:
I realize I’ve spent close to a thousand words now just rambling about things that only fellow gamers could fathom, and all for a title that can be enjoyed by anyone.  I didn’t want to go into any real details about the new power-ups, or any of the multitudinous surprises that are waiting just around the corner in the Mushroom Kingdom.  This is pure Shigeru Miyamoto magic on display and I want each and every one of you to experience for yourself.  I feel so confident in this game’s unequivocal charm that I plan on unhooking the Wii from my television, carting it down to my parent’s house giving my mother and father (who have not played a game for any amount of time since the original ‘Super Mario Bros’) the controller and testing just how potent New Super Mario Bros Wii truly is.

The Verdict:

This review demanded a sacrifice of me.  A toll that had to be paid.  An indelible sin that all the waters of the world would not wash away.  Something that no one over the age of 10 would ever consider doing.  Holding my controller, I sat not two feet away from my television, feeling it tan my face.  The way 2D Mario was meant to be played.

- J

Platform: Nintendo Wii
Developer: Nintendo EAD
Publisher: Nintendo
Release Date: November 15th, 2009
Rated: E for Everyone