The Charge:

Be Despicable…It’s Fun!

Big empty levels populated only by moving platforms? We've got a surplus of those!

Facts of the Case:

Eschewing all but the most basic aspects of the movie’s charming plot, Despicable Me – The Game casts gamers as the bescarfed Gru.  Armed with a handful of villainous weaponry, and a limitless battalion of minions, eagerly drooling to follow his ever command; Gru must liberate the eleven pieces of tech needed to pull of the greatest act of larceny ever attempted, stealing the moon.

The Evidence:

I don’t intend to mince words about this; Despicable Me is not a very good game.  Not at all.  I ignored its existence six months ago when it was released, and would’ve been content to continue that obliviousness had a review copy not inexplicably cast a shadow across my doorstep this past week.  So while it’s no longer what I would consider a new release, with the movie having only recently hit home video, I feel it prudent to issue parents a written warning.

Gameplay in Despicable Me is split across three general play types; basic platforming, puzzle solving, and villainous free-for-all segments that allow players to go hog wild with blasting action.  Each of the game’s 11 stages is made up, without fail, of these three segments.  There’s a late addition of a half baked spaceship shoot’em up section, but it’s so uniformly generic that outside of the sudden adrenaline shock of something new, any enjoyment fails to register.  The platforming/obstacle course sections are plagued with horrendously fixed camera and wonky controls.  Aiming Gru’s various ray guns is mapped to the nunchuk’s control stick, along with movement itself.  It doesn’t take much imagination to see the inevitable tumbling into pitfalls while trying to aim at a baddie.  Gru possesses a double jump, to ease the pain of his erratic movement; however this too is dodgy at best.  Instead of having the player jump again at the apex of his first leap, instead the second jump must be performed a split second after the first.  The timing is ridiculously hard to get down, especially in a title aimed at children below the age of ten.  Oddly enough, the developers over at Monkey Bar Games must’ve known something was amiss as they’ve added the option to skip the platforming segments once players have lost enough lives.  I appreciate a good challenge in a platformer, but the challenge has to come from clever level design, not a broken control scheme.

Clever, but let's see you do it without tumbling into an icy demise.

Even less satisfying are the madcap villain sections.  Here, gamers zap away at milquetoast enemies, or perform Looney Toons inspired acts of vandalism to fill a villainy meter.  These feel like a half hearted effort at reproducing the film’s frivolous sense of humour.  I’m as much a fan of a good gag as the next person, but a laugh only lasts for a few seconds, whereas these tiresome escapades stretch on for about five to ten minutes.  At best they’re a pitiful distraction, at worst the sloppiest of game design, a miserly stab at stretching the game’s mere afternoon of distraction for a couple more hours.  Thanks, but no thanks.

Rebuttal Witness:

Oddly enough, Despicable Me’s puzzle portions are the game’s most rewarding part.  Ranging from clever to downright insidious.  Taking control of Gru’s minions, players disperse them across the level in a small variety of formations, which are then manipulated using Gru’s collection of ray guns.  The result can be everything from a series of floating ice platforms to cross a tank of water, or a trampoline to clear a wall.  Gru’s minions are in limited supply, so half the fun is figuring out the right configurations.  Like before, fail too often and the game deploys a safety net, this time in the form of a series of hints to aid gamers in overcoming Despicable Me’s one legitimate challenge.

NOT PICTURED: Fun.

The level of presentation of display in Despicable Me is middle of the road level stuff that both fails to astonish, but remains above the level of the shovel ware that regretfully clogs the Wii’s library.  Backgrounds are uninspired in design, and while the character models stand boldly enough, they lack their movie counterpart’s wondrous sense of animation.  In total, the game feels rather unpolished, with odd camera angles during story sequences that hide the character’s faces (I’m assuming to save on animation time), set pieces that look like vacant warehouses, and environments that will cause players to wow in one level, and wretch in the next.  Thankfully the score successfully emulates the feel of a late 60s Caper/Spy film, and the voice acting is surprisingly energetic, even if it isn’t the movie’s cast.

Closing Statement:

Despicable Me – the Game has some tasty ingredients, but more than its share of bland ones, and a basic recipe that fails to use them to their fullest potential.  It should take the average young gamer no more than an afternoon to complete, and is probably best rented in unison with the vastly more entertaining movie as an extra treat.  It’s a pity, because playing as a James Bondian type nemesis and engaging in all manner of comic book super villainy is a rather tantalizing idea, but this surely isn’t the game to match that potential.  Intriguing puzzles and passable presentation aside, this one is a stinker.

The Verdict:

I’ve nothing clever to add this week, that’s now mind numbing an experience Despicable Me – The Game was.  I’ll accept your pity in the form of crisp $100 Canadian bills.  It’s all about the Bordens, hater.

- J

Platform: Wii

Developer: Monkey Bar Games

Publisher: D3 Publisher

Release Date: July 6th, 2010

Rated: E 10+ for Everyone 10 and up

Steve’s Take

Right out of the gate:

The Legend of Zelda: The Skyward Sword – Nintendo hits hard and fast with a new Zelda title. Looks pretty awesome, still more gesture based than actual 1:1 movement, even with Motion Plus support. Still, it looks awesome! Thumbs Up!

Mario: Sports Mix – I’ve always hated these “multi-sport” packages. Everything is just too shallow to be fullfilling. I’ll have to take a pass. Wait? Is that DK playing hockey? Even handed gesture.

Wii Party – Snore! Thumbs down!

Just Dance 2 – I would post a picture of me shooting myself in the head, but… i’m too lazy. Thumbs down! Somebody stop Ubisoft! PLEASE! Stop them before they do any more damage.

Golden Sun: Dark Dawn – Golden Sun was pretty awesome. This one is for the DS, it too looks awesome. Thumbs up!

Goldeneye 007 – No wonder Nintendo and Activision wouldn’t let Rare offload this one to Xboxlive. Remastered, re-imagined using the Daniel Craig era James Bond, and looking as hype as ever. Exclusive to Wii this holiday season. Thumbs up!

Disney’s Epic Mickey – this Warren Spector created project has been floating around for ages. We finally get a glimpse, and it looks pretty damn good. Nowhere to be seen is the old gritty steampunk Mickey that was teased in concept art an eternity ago. Thumbs Up!

Kirby’s Epic Yarn – Wow, everyone loves Little Big Planet it would seem. Kind of cute i guess, and i’m sure my daughter would eat up the cross-stitch graphics. Even Handed Gesture.

Dragon Quest IX – Ahhhh yes, the game series that made it mandatory to release games on non-workdays in Japan. Coming to the Americas in July, probably to be ignored. Thumbs up!

Metroid: Other M – This looks awesome! Team Ninja has crafted the game i’ve been wanting since super Metroid all those years ago. And it’s only a month and a bit away! Thumbs up!

Donkey Kong Country Returns – Oh by, another DK spinoff with family games and some supid dru… wait… What? This looks absolutely fantastic! It’s Donkey Kong Country, only with a 21st century lick of paint. And it’s coming this year! WOO! Thumbs up!

The Nintendo 3DS – OK, new hardware reveals are always a little vapid for me. this was no exception. Only one game is actually shown, and there’s no clear indication of how well the 3D actually works. Seeing is believing i suppose. Even Handed Gesture

Kid Icarus: Uprising – If nothing else, We know the 3DS can stand toe to toe with the Wii for graphical horsepower, and that’s no small feat! Looks pretty slick, but the gameplay seems to be more shooter-based. Still, it’s Kid Icarus, and it looks sharp! Thumbs up!

A ton of 3DS montages close out the show, promising some great titles from some great developers, including Hideo kojima’s Metal Gear Solid!

Well, for the first time in this generation, it finally feels to me that someone is steering the ship over at Nintendo HQ. In spite of my lack of interest in the 3DS, there were some damn nice titles on display, and Nintendo is warmly embracing those fans who’ve been longing for a classic return. If E3 of last year was them turning the ship around, this years was full speed ahead. Loved the lack of casual shovelware (although Ubisoft never disappoints in that regard).

Final Grade: B+ (would be an “A” if they had a decent host)

"That guy has my copy of Naughty Bear!"

Well, after the onslaught that was may, June delivers a barrage of less… desirable prospects:

June 1st
- Alpha Protocol (multi)
- Backbreaker (multi)

June 8th
- Green Day Rock Band (multi)
- Sniper: Ghost Warrior (Xbox360, PC)
- Metal Gear solid: Peace Walker (PSP)
- Tiger Woods PGA Tour 11 (multi)

June 15th
- Kid Adventures: Sky Captain (wii)
- Naval Assault: The Killing Tide (xbox360)
- Toy Story 3 (multi)

June 22nd
- Transformers: War for Cybertron (multi)

June 29th
- Lego Harry Potter (multi)
- Singularity (multi)
- The Last Airbender (wii)
- Trinity Universe (PS3)
- Naughty Bear (multi)

I’m dug into Alpha Protocol right now, and enjoying it somewhat (look for a review later this week), but the rest of the month looks pretty barren for me (I may take the plunge and buy another PSP game that will just sit on the shelf un-played).

How about you guys? Looking forward to another Transformers game that may not suck? Perhaps muggles made of Legos are in your future? Another time-twisting FPS? Rocking out to Green Day, perhaps? Do tell!

It's about damn time!

With warmer temps comes a hotter release schedule, as May conspires to keep you indoors instead of out soaking in the late Spring sun! Everyone gets a bit of love this month, except for you portable guys, screw you and your capable of playing games while hangin’ outside portable machines!

5/04
- Iron Man 2 (multi)

5/11
- Lost Planet 2 (Multi)
- Skate 3 (Multi)
- Batman: Arkham Asylum – Game of the Year Edition (Multi)
- 3D Dot Game Heroes (PS3)
- Age of Conan: Rise of the Godslayer (PC)

5/18
- Split Second (Multi)
- Shrek Forever After (Multi)
- Red Dead Redemption (multi)
- Alan Wake (Xbox360)
- Prince of Persia: The Forgotten Sands (multi)

5/23
- Super Mario Galaxy 2 (wii)

5/25
- Blur (Multi)
- UFC Undisputed 2010 (multi)
- Modnation Racers (PS3)
- Backbreaker (Xbox360)

It feels like i’ve been waiting forever for Red Dead Redemption, and 3D Dot Game Heroes has definitely raised an eyebrow. Alan Wake looks like a winning single player title, and My credit card moans at the thought of reactivating my Age of Conan account. what’s going to keep all of you guys inside this May?

Steve’s pick for best of the month: RED DEAD REDEMPTION

Image courtesy of IGN

IGN has the scoop on this one. More after the jump.

From IGN:

When Epicenter, developer of the sleeper first-person shooter Real Heroes: Firefighter visited the IGN offices earlier today, the guys pulled no punches in describing its next game. “Picture Typing of the Dead but with Guitar Hero guitars instead of a QWERTY keyboard,” they told me. And what unfolded up on the big screen was exactly that: a Typing of the Dead-inspired action game where you take out zombies and other undead critters by strumming on the Activision (or Harmonix Rock Band) guitars to “shoot” them into submission.

Chalk this one up for the “Why didn’t anyone think of this before?” department. There are several million Guitar Hero and Rock Band guitars out in active use on the Nintendo Wii, and Rock of the Dead targets those peripheral owners with something that’s not just a music game.

I am in full agreement here. This is a head-smacking, pure moment of brainstorm brilliance. We’re Dreamcast aficionados here at Pixel Verdict, and Typing of the Dead is a near-unanimous ‘must buy’ for that console. Replacing the keyboard with a guitar controller is simply genius.

Neil Patrick Harris will be lending his vocal talents, along with Dr. Horrible co-star and nerd goddess Felicia Day, and this will be a budget priced title, estimated between $30-40. On paper, it’s perfect. So what’s the catch?

Alas, it looks like a Wii title exclusively at the moment, which is unfortunate. Most of us have many plastic instruments sitting about the house… but for other consoles. I don’t know anyone who has Guitar Hero or Rock Band for the Wii.

(via IGN )

Opening Statement:
Like any gamer worth his salt (or born before the rise of New Kids on the Block, take your pick), I have a bit of a history with Super Mario.  Having cut my gaming teeth on the plumber’s first three adventures, and his 16-bit debut being the first game I ever cracked wide open, dedicating myself to discovering its every secret.  Since those days long-gone-by, things as cherished as a simple Mario 2D platformer are few and far between.  This is precisely why I write this review with my eyes still wet with nostalgic tears.  New Super Mario Bros Wii has arrived for the Nintendo Wii (duh), so grab a beverage and hike up your courage; we’ve got a purloined princess to liberate.

Apparently the Koopa Kids all studies under Professor Wil E. Coyote, PhD

Facts of the Case:
It’s Princess Peach’s (that’s Toadstool to us 80s kids) birthday.  Mario, his wingman Luigi, and a cadre of unimportant Toads (little mushroom people) have gathered for a regal shindig.  Of course, the iniquitous Koopa clan show up and shanghai the damsel (their kidnapping scheme this time out is nothing short of cartoon genius).  Now, the Super Mario Bros are on the case, trekking across more than 80 levels, putting steel-toed boot to Koopa ass.  I doubt gamers would want it any other way.

Purple Drink!!

The Evidence:
How does one put an experience like NSMB Wii into a single sentence?  Distil nearly 25 years of gaming nostalgia into one phrase?  After putting in a weekend’s worth of attention, and spending an entire evening watching others do the same, I think I finally have the words.  New Super Mario Bros Wii is the modern age of gaming had the jump to 3D never occurred.  Everything we ever loved about running and jumping in a left-wise direction, tossing fireballs and kicking turtle shells has been smelted down into an alloy of the strongest construction.  This is the truest Mario sequel in 17 years.  And I say that as a frothy mouthed groupie of Super Mario Galaxy, Nintendo’s 2007 gaming opus.

Dont give Mario a brainer dude...not cool.

But what exactly makes NSMB Wii worthy of such praise, what turns that which we all thought would be a nice nostalgic throwback into a golden idol of gaming?  For one, the effortless and vast imagination that was once the sole possession of Nintendo, something that was at the very heart and soul of the best Mario titles.  That empyrean sensation of playing a game where everything works absolutely flawlessly, a masterwork that any gamer can pick up and play, no matter what their preference.

I'd like to see Crash bandicoot do THIS!

Effectively a time capsule of the Mario franchise, NSMB Wii delivers the sort of visceral gaming thrill that NES and SNES owners knew in the very marrow of their souls that lesser fare like Sonic the Hedgehog was completely incapable of.  While it contains all the fire flowers, invincibility stars, power suits, and Yoshi the green dinosaurs that gamers would hope for, at no point does NSMB Wii ever feel like a Mario’s greatest hits album.  It feels much better than that.  Gamers will traverse worlds of fire and ice, spelunk through caves filled with bottomless pits and crevices of magma, even make the obligatory pit stop at the occasional Ghost House or boss fortress.  Yes it sounds terribly cliché, but remember; we are playing a title in the franchise that invented the cliché.  It’s just taken the rest of the gaming world 24 years to catch up.

A person needs a little madness, or else they never dare cut the rope and be free.

It is obligatory I am told, that I mention the new multiplayer aspect of the Mario universe.  For the first time in a side scrolling Mario adventure, more than one player can pick up a controller and tackle the game’s eight themed worlds.  And while I breathlessly describe the single player mode as pure side scrolling ecstasy, the multiplayer is a beast of a different cloth, a creature of mirth and chaos.  The level design doesn’t change at all, but when up to four gamers are hopping and bouncing across the screen, all dashing towards coins and trying to spring across pits and over obstacles, it becomes an event in the retinal Olympics just to keep up with the action on display.  I took part in a fiasco where over 30 lives were wasted just trying to keep up with one gamer who managed to score Mario’s new Propeller Suit, and was content to spin and soar through the stage at a rapid pace whilst the rest of us were crushed by walls or thrown down inescapable pitfalls left in his careless wake.  To be honest I was a little put off by the level of mayhem on display, but once the Wii-mote was again in my hand, clutched sideways like an old school NES brick, I was captivated.  Name me one other game franchise that would send 4 players, dressed as penguins sliding down huge ramps of ice, trying to build up enough speed so at least one of them clears the chasm ahead so the rest can continue along?  Nintendo has succeeded where most games fail; they’ve turned what has always been a solo occurrence into a 4-player adventure without sacrificing a single inch of game play.   Yes it’s a little more tumultuous, but really, does a bit of harum-scarum hurt every now and again?  This is more of a party game than Mario Party could ever hope to be.

The most fun one can have without committing a misdemeanour.

Rebuttal Witness:
It eventually ends.

Closing Statement:
I realize I’ve spent close to a thousand words now just rambling about things that only fellow gamers could fathom, and all for a title that can be enjoyed by anyone.  I didn’t want to go into any real details about the new power-ups, or any of the multitudinous surprises that are waiting just around the corner in the Mushroom Kingdom.  This is pure Shigeru Miyamoto magic on display and I want each and every one of you to experience for yourself.  I feel so confident in this game’s unequivocal charm that I plan on unhooking the Wii from my television, carting it down to my parent’s house giving my mother and father (who have not played a game for any amount of time since the original ‘Super Mario Bros’) the controller and testing just how potent New Super Mario Bros Wii truly is.

The Verdict:

This review demanded a sacrifice of me.  A toll that had to be paid.  An indelible sin that all the waters of the world would not wash away.  Something that no one over the age of 10 would ever consider doing.  Holding my controller, I sat not two feet away from my television, feeling it tan my face.  The way 2D Mario was meant to be played.

- J

Platform: Nintendo Wii
Developer: Nintendo EAD
Publisher: Nintendo
Release Date: November 15th, 2009
Rated: E for Everyone

Lyrics, fill in the gap -- Drop that bass and get the Ninja Rap!

The Charge:
Slice like a ninja – Cut like a razor blade!

Opening Statement:
Okay, every red-blooded kid who lived and breathed during the 1980s knows that ninjas are concentrated awesome.  And I don`t mean that watered down, sugar-rush Naruto crap.  I`m talking straight up, sword swingin’, star flingin’ shinobi bad-ass.  Hell, even Michael Dudikoff had a cup of coffee with fame and fortune because he made a few movies concerning ninjas, and he was a total douche (my apologies to any hardcore Dudikoffers out there).  I’ll usually try any video game that features Ninjas in a prominent role (usually to my regret), which led me to this day’s review.  Long-time readers (of my printed reviews) like my mom will probably remember how I gushed about an early 2007 release for the PlayStation 2 called Odin Sphere.  This nifty little Action-RPG was critically hailed for its absolutely gorgeous hand-drawn visuals, something developer Vanillaware quickly became known for.  But we all know great graphics don’t make a great game, so will the inclusion of ninjas help to sharpen Muramasa – The Demon Blade, Vanillaware’s new return to the land of 2D action?

'Fo knucks brah!

Facts of the Case:
Muramasa is a classic revenge and redemption story, told from the perspective of two otherwise unrelated characters.  The first, Momohime, is a princess whose soul has been ensnared and her body possessed by a powerful spirit, who wants to use her as the tool of his terrible vengeance.  The second, Kisuke; is a skilled Ninja who has completely lost his memory due to some crucial event, and now he slashes his way through former clansmen and demon’s alike to find the truth he seeks.  Both characters are uniquely flawed, as is usually the case with Kabuki drama, and its up to players to guide these two lost causes toward their ultimate goal.

The Evidence:
A free-roaming side-scroller in the vein of the Iga era of Castlevania titles, Muramasa sends gamers across feudal Japan, unlocking new levels and battles by defeating nefarious bosses or obtaining all manner of McGuffins.  Though each character’s story is unique and extraneous from one another, both Momohime and Kisuke will traverse through the same areas.  The narrative and climactic boss fights change up for whichever story is being played through however, and there are just enough switchups in locales to keep things fresh.  It’s hardly groundbreaking, but what the game does, it does well.

Muramasa, doing what it does well.

Speaking of doing things well, the action in Muramasa is simply put, resplendent.  For a title that uses a single attack button, there is never a shortage of different combos and brutal actions to be taken upon the swarms of enemies (of which are nearly endless by the way) which clog up each level.  Wet behind the ear rookies may be a little off-put by the use of the up key on the d-pad for a jump button, but any gamer with even a few hours worth of time invested into 2D fighters should be leaping around and performing all manner of uppercuts, dashing slashes, and quick draw surprise attacks in no time.  It certainly doesn’t hurt that the game is cane sugar visual candy for the eyes while all this fast and furious swordplay is onscreen as well.  I love the mechanics behind defending and sword breaking, and how using special attacks and fierce slashes may whittle an opponent down quicker, but as well bring the player’s sword to the breaking point much quicker.  Some boss fights are engineered around these mechanics, bringing a puzzling strategy to the plate along with the crazy ninja cutting.

Go ninja go ninja go!

Much as I despise to use a shibboleth like this, but the hackneyed cliché “painting in motion” fits Muramasa like a fine Italian glove.  Like Odin Sphere before it, each level simply bleeds life onto the screen with independent layers of parallax scrolling objects and rigorously animated sprites that fill even empty rooms with a sense of wondrous impulsive spirit.  This level of visual panache is a joy to take in.   Aurally, the game is just as much a delight.  The music would be fitting in any samurai film, and the tempo picks up in battle to match even classic favourites like the Revenge of Shinobi soundtrack.  It would’ve been nice for the game to feature an English dub (believe me, Atlus would’ve included one), but for the most part the translation is decent, so I didn’t mind the Japanese.

Bob Ross himself couldn't have crafted it any better.

Rebuttal Witness:
Well paced, and clocking in at an adequate 12 hours to complete with both characters, Muramasa does however suffer from flat level design and enough back-tracking to choke a rhinoceros.  It’s not uncommon to survive a particularly savage battle with a monstrous ogre or dragon, obtain the item or new sword needed to move past a previously locked gateway, and have to suffer through 10 minutes to dashing through sparse and linear stretches of previously traversed level in order to reach the new destination.  I couldn’t help but wonder if Muramasa wouldn’t have been better off as a straight up action title with separate levels.  Just beat the boss and move on to the next stage.  All the detail that Vanillaware poured into the presentation is nearly laid to waste by some truly unimaginative world design.  Gamers didn’t mind backtracking in Metroid or Castlevania because the worlds were clever and filled with hidden shortcuts.  In Muramasa, navigating the map can often feel like a chore, which is sad because the slash’em up game play is such a treat.  As well, much of the game’s drama is told via long winded exposition scenes immediately before and after each boss fight.  The rest of the game feels oddly empty, outside of course of the waves of baddies to slice and dice.  Muramasa feels like a superb action title that has been encumbered with an exiguous attempt at inserting RPG elements.  I realize that in today’s gaming climate, players keep insisting on longer games with more content, but ask yourselves if you’d rather spend 4 out of 12 hours backtracking through older levels, or play a superb 8 hour straight action title?

Visual proof that Steve Power will probably end up buying Muramasa.

Closing Statement:
Armed to the teeth with a simple, but undeniably tight control scheme, and some of the most gorgeous 2D presentation seen on the Wii, Muramasa – The Demon Blade is a blistering slash’em up that should bring just enough sizzle to cover up the fact that the steak isn’t the primmest of cuts.  One of the better action titles on the platform, Wii owners desperate for something new to play should have no reason to complain.

The Verdict:

Is there anything that can’t be made better with the appropriate application of ninjas?  Just imagine a world where one could walk into a hardware store and have their desired lumber dropped from the ceiling by a shadowy figure, or have a steak served to them off the edge of a katana blade.  I’ll tell you one thing, the email at jonmercer@nf.sympatico.ca  is certainly handled by the silent masters of the assassination arts.

- J

Platform: Nintendo Wii
Developer: Vanillaware/Marvellous Entertainment
Publisher: Ignition Entertainment
Release Date: September 9th, 2009
Rated: T for Teen.

The Charge:
“Who will win and who will lose? Keep your eyes peeled, cause we’re in for a real treat!” … or are we?

Opening Statement:
The latest iteration of the anime phenomenon is on the Wii with Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D’s Wheelie Breakers, a card battling racer that allows players to duel their way to the top of the pack and the deck.

Facts of the Case:
Based on the Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D’s television show, Wheelie Breakers follows the ascent of an outsider (you) through the ranks of those who engage in “turbo dueling”—a sport in which two or more competitors race around a track on futuristic motorcycles called “Duel Runners” using spell, trap, and monster cards to slow down their opponents so they can reach the finish line first. Race well enough and you’ll face off against series hero Yusei Fudo for the title of Wheelie Breakers Champion.

The Evidence:
Wheelie Breakers is basically Mario Kart with a story. No matter how well you handle your cycle, winning depends on what items you get along the way and how you use them to demolish your opponent. The big difference is that Breakers is more card racer than kart racer. In Mario Kart, items are the same for every racer no matter when they’re used. In Wheelie Breakers, the effectiveness of the items (cards) you play depends on how well you’ve stacked your deck, which cards you’ve unlocked, and what cards your opponent has to play. Like the trading card game on which this is based, Wheelie Breakers (which comes packaged with a special three-pack of cards) has the “collect them all” spirit that enthralls kids and befuddles parents. Doing well depends on your ability to understand how and when to play items with complex rules and tongue-twisting names. Chances are, if you’re not into the card battle scene already, Wheelie Breakers won’t change your mind.

Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D’s fans will enjoy the game’s main Story Mode, which pits your racer (who hails from the “Satellite” slum region) against familiar faces from the show. On your way to challenge Fudo for the championship, you’ll battle characters like Akiza Izinski, Hunter Pace, and Leo, while the between-race “cut scenes” (which are basically just text over still character drawings) reveal a mysterious plot involving a shadowy corporation who is watching you with plans to you for… something. It’s your basic fan service, and nonsense to the uninitiated. The real reason to play through the Story Mode is to unlock the ability to buy new and better cards, which give you an advantage against often wildly overpowered opponents. You can also use your cards before the race begins to tune your Runner’s top speed, acceleration, and maneuverability.

At the completion of each Story Mode chapter, you unlock a card, and the ability to play new characters, Runners, and tracks in multiplayer. Whether you win or lose a race, you earn a certain number of points which can be spent to buy new cards you’ve unlocked or more of cards you already have. To get all the cards Story Mode has to offer, you have to play through it twice—things are slightly remixed the second time around, adding new characters and a different final opponent. To get all of the 150+ cards in the game, you’ll need to fulfill a host of requirements that include playing through the four Grand Prix cups, taking on individual racers multiple times (an option you unlock after beating Story Mode twice), and connecting wirelessly with the 5D’s DS game. You can beat the main modes in the game with only a fraction of the cards, but if you really want to play with a full deck, Wheelie Breakers will keep you busy for a long time.

If, however, you couldn’t care less about completing your deck or care more about racing games than Yu-Gi-Oh!, Wheelie Breakers is a tough sell. The card battle learning curve prohibitively high (there’s no in-game tutorial, though the phone book of a manual explains the basics well), and by itself the racing is clunky and unexciting.

The game’s biggest problem is that the motorcycles don’t handle well. The default control configuration is Wii remote and Nunchuk, using the analog stick to steer and the Z and C buttons to accelerate and brake, respectively. The first few tracks are straightforward, and relatively easy to navigate, but some of the later levels have twists and turns that the motorcycles just can’t handle. Even if you brake a lot, you’ll still slam into walls on most turns; and although the game’s physics are on the arcadey side, it doesn’t take much contact with an opponent or the corner of a wall to flip your Duel Runner so you’re facing the wrong way—an easy way to fall out of contention in just about any race.

To make matters worse, sorting through and playing cards from your deck requires that you take your eyes off the road to glance at the bottom right corner of your screen, which makes it even tougher to win some of the later races against opponents who fly easily around hairpin turns and have monsters with the ability to knock your Life Points to zero in two or three hits—causing your Runner to stall out for a few seconds. My first time through Story Mode, for instance, I got stuck in a race against the witch Izinski, retrying the same race for more than an hour until I figured out which one card I needed to save up and spam in the final lap to eke out a win.

Though the game is built around the idea of unlocking newer, more powerful cards, the best way to get through the Story Mode and early Grand Prix cups is to rely on two of the cards you get right away: “Sonic Chick” (a monster with a weak attack but who can absorb tons of damage) and “Rush Recklessly,” which provides a temporary speed boost. It’s too bad “Sonic Chick” is so useful, because I unlocked some much cooler monsters later on. Monsters, by the way, do the key double duty of attacking opponents and absorbing attacks, shielding your precious Life Points. There’s nothing quite as annoying as summoning a monster only to see it vaporize after one hit by an opponent, except perhaps the game’s announcer.

Fans of the 5D’s television show may be disappointed to find that the only voice acting in the game is the race M.C.—a Vegas-style slickster with hair like a loaf of shiny black bread. The rest of the character dialogue is limited to on-screen text. A few more voices would have helped the presentation, especially since the one guy who does talk only has about a half dozen things to say. A few races in, you’ll have all of the M.C.’s soundbites committed to memory, whether you wanted to or not. Aside from the 2-D character drawings between races, the visual presentation is unimpressive. The monsters animate smoothly, and the frame rate is solid, but the character models and cycles have rough edges and the environments are pretty empty.

In addition to the Story and Grand Prix modes, there’s also Matchup mode, which let you race against computer-controlled characters or up to 3 of your friends. The split-screen multiplayer is local only, no online. You can play using either “Normal” or “Survival” rules. “Normal” is your basic first-to-the-finish-line competition. In “Survival,” though, players who lose all their Life Points are immediately eliminated. I didn’t get a chance to try multiplayer, but I imagine it would be a lot more fun than playing against the game’s AI (at least you won’t be the only one slamming into walls). If you’re interested in multiplayer, though, you’d better have more than one Nunchuk or Classic Controller on hand, because the game requires one of those additional controllers to play.

I gave up on the Nunchuk control partway through my first time through Story Mode. It required too much finger contortion to steer, accelerate, and brake all with one hand. In that default configuration, the Wii remote is used for selecting and activating cards (using the D-pad), and for your monster’s attacks (the A button). The only motion control in the game is shaking the remote to flip your Duel Runner around to attack trailing opponents. If you plug in the Classic Controller, you use either the D-pad or analog stick to steer, and the face and shoulder buttons to race, play cards, and attack. I definitely preferred it to the remote/Nunchuk combo.

Closing Comments:
I had a difficult time deciding on a score for Wheelie Breakers. If you’re a big Yu-Gi-Oh! fan, you can add a full point to my score, but if you’re not interested in the license it’s tough to ignore the game’s flaws. As a card battle game, Wheelie Breakers is fine, though it’s too bad the cards from your starter deck are more useful for much of the game than the ones you unlock. The strategy of playing the right card at the right time is engaging, and the hunt for a complete deck will keep fans playing for a long time. But this isn’t a card battler. It’s a racing game. A racing game with messy controls, ho-hum track design, and AI opponents who tend to be either too easy or too difficult to beat.

The Verdict:
This Wheelie is broken.

Platform: Nintendo Wii
Developer: Konami
Publisher: Konami
Release Date: May 19, 2009
Rated: E for Everyone

It’s no secret the hardcore Wii crowd has been itching for more serious third-party games. Ever since it was announced, Wii gamers have been holding their collective breaths, hoping that exclusive sci fi FPS The Conduit would be the system’s first real third-party hit that doesn’t have “Guitar” or “Hero” in the title, and show publishers that hardcore games really can sell on Wii. For many of those fans, the secret hope was that the game would usher in a new era of respect for their system of choice, proving once and for all that the Wii remote is the ideal console FPS control set-up.

That’s a lot of pressure, and it might be more than The Conduit can handle. The game hits most retail shelves today, a release preceded by a firestorm of angry messageboard posts by Nintendo fanboys expressing their outrage over a certain outlet’s less-than-glowing review. But do their complaints have merit? Is this the most important thing happening in the world today, or simply a tempest in an e-kettle?

Here are the facts: On Monday, IGN posted their review of The Conduit, giving it an 8.6 out of 10—a respectable score, and one that Nintendo fans should be happy with. Yesterday, GamePro released their review. Shortly thereafter, the Internet exploded.

In his review, Tae Kim dumps on the graphics and the story, but what seems to have caused the biggest stink are his comments about The Conduit‘s controls. He calls them “terrible” and “faulty,” and argues that the use of motion control actually detracts from being able to do things like accurately throw grenades and engage in melee combat. These charges drew a flurry of angry comments from Nintendo fans who pointed out that developer High Voltage went out of its way to let players customize the controls. How—their argument goes—can you possibly complain about bad controls if you have the option to make them whatever you want them to be?

The problem with the customizable controls argument is that Kim played the game using the default controls—exactly as he should have. As a reviewer, it’s important to play a game the way most people will play it. Just because hardcore gamers will go in and tweak the controls doesn’t mean most players will. It’s same reason reviewers play games on their default difficulty settings. It’s the biggest help to the most people.

Harsh comments on critical reviews are nothing new (just ask our own Steve Power), but the controversy surrounding GamePro’s Conduit review goes deeper. First off, GamePro’s score was actually pretty high, even compared to IGN. Considering most review sites treat a 10-point scale as a 5-point scale (with 5 matching the American public school system’s “failing” grade), IGN’s 8.6 is the exact same score as Kim’s 3.5. Nintendo fans should be as happy with GamePro’s score as IGN’s. Why aren’t they?

I think the roots of this Internet tizzy lies in the expectations and ego wrapped up in The Conduit‘s release. Wii fans really want this to be the game that gets PS3 and Xbox 360 fanboys to stop hating on the Wii and admit that Nintendo’s little white box is a legitimate next-gen system for hardcore gamers, not just grandmas and soccer moms. They want The Conduit to level the playing field, to show that controls can trump hi-def graphics, and to inspire public retractions from anyone who’s ever mocked the Waggle. Basically, Nintendo fans want respect—and they don’t think Tae Kim gave them any.

To be fair, Kim’s review has the same tired complaints about graphics that get the Nintendo fan in me rolling my eyes, and his tone doesn’t quite seem to match his score, but does it really matter what one guy thinks of a game you’re excited about? If you play it and have fun, who cares about review scores? Maybe you’re worried that negative reviews will hurt Conduit sales, ultimately hurting the chances of getting more hardcore Wii games. Don’t be. Third parties finally seem to be getting a handle on mature Wii titles, as evidenced by the Dead Space and Silent Hill games hitting the system later this year. Plus, early numbers suggest The Conduit is selling well. Take heart, fretting fanboys. Say your Serenity Prayers, take a deep breath, and remind yourselves: video games are supposed to be about having fun. It’s a lesson we should all remember.

(Why is this “first impressions” of Tiger Woods PGA Tour 10 for the Wii and not a review? Because this is a massive game and I’ve barely scratched the surface.)

Tiger Woods 10 is the latest in EA Sports’ yearly refresh of perhaps the most unfairly maligned professional sport. As much as people like to complain about golf on television, though, they seem to love playing it. With the addition of support for the new Wii Motion Plus peripheral, Tiger Woods gives those of us who don’t particularly care for fresh air and walking slowly the chance to hit the links in the most realistic video game golf experience yet.

The last golf game I bought was Mario Golf for the Nintendo 64, used, for a few bucks, a good five years after it came out. The last actual game of golf I played was a couple of summers back at a local backwoods course with my wife’s father and my brother-in-law. I enjoy golf, but I’m not all that into it. I’m also not all that good at it—something the new Tiger Woods game was more than happy to point out when I chose to use the “Advanced” Motion Plus control options.

He is Tiger, hear him roar!

The skeptics can remain skeptical if they wish, but my short time with Wii Motion Plus has made me a believer, in the potential at least. In Tiger Woods 10, the newly elongated controller tracks the exact twist and movement of the remote in your hand and translates it to your golfer onscreen. Meaning, if you don’t keep the remote straight through your swing, you’re in danger of hooking or slicing the ball. Once you get the hang of how the game wants you to swing, though, the feeling of actually playing a round of golf is palpable, if not completely authentic. I say “how the game wants you to swing” because there’s a definite learning curve involved in balancing the “gaminess” of Woods with the simulation aspects.

Besides tracking the twists and turns of the remote, Motion Plus also accurately tracks your backswing and follow-through, which translates to the power of your swing in the game. An onscreen target (which you zoom to by double-tapping the A button) shows the general area your shot should land, given the chosen club and how far away you are. It also shows the power percentage you need to swing the club to get in the target. Pull back halfway for a 50% shot, or all the way back to really let the ball fly. Of course, things like wind speed and direction, elevation, and whether or not you’re stuck in a sandtrap affect how much you’ll need to add to or subtract from your swing to get the ball where you want it to go.

If, like me, your swing could use some work, Tiger Woods has the tendency to pop up a message mid-hole and offer to let you try one of the easier difficulty settings. As in, “Hey, you kinda suck. Why don’t I ratchet it down for you a bit before you hurl that $40 controller through your $1500 TV?” My words, not theirs, but if your pride lets you take the helpful hint, give either “Standard” (which is more forgiving than “Advanced,” allowing you to add draw and fade manually and correcting minor mis-hits) or “All-Play” (which makes things a lot easier and adds an arrowed line to show exactly where your shot or putt will go, provided you hit it with the right amount of force). Even the easiest setting provides the feeling of playing golf, though you may feel ashamed when the announcer praises your sixth dotted line-assisted birdie in a row.

Not-so-compact disc golf

In all, it’s basic golf. The joy of Tiger Woods PGA Tour 10 is in the Wii Motion Plus control (it’s certainly not in the graphics, not even “for a Wii game”). The longevity, however, lies in the nearly countless options, game types, activities, mini-games, and rule sets you can choose from. If you just want to jump in and play 18 holes, you can do that. If you want to create a character and work your way up through the ranks of the PGA tour, kiss the next six months goodbye. If you want to get the family involved in some 2 to 4-player mini-games, they’re in there, too. So is the much-touted disc golf option, which is front and center on the main option screen, can be played on all 27 courses, and is tons of fun. And when you’re tired of challenging people you live with, you can take the game online, courtesy of EA’s online service (no friend codes needed), and join tournaments against other Woods owners, or play in simulated matches with actual PGA golfers, trying to best their scores in real-life tournaments. (I haven’t yet offered myself over to EA’s marketing department for an online account, so I can’t tell you about the experience first-hand, but I’m looking forward to giving it a try.)

I picked up this game over the weekend and, for as much as I’ve played, have barely scratched the surface of what it has to offer. One of the reasons I got it was so that we would have a second Motion Plus to play Wii Sports Resort when it comes out next month, but I have a feeling that when my wife is tired of canoeing and shooting arrows with me, instead of turning off the Wii I’ll pop in Tiger Woods and play a quick 18… or 36.